I find it hard to maintain authenticity during difficult times. I want to shout at the world, but I don’t want the people I love to hear me. In the past I’ve used poetry for this, because you can distance yourself from it, claim that it’s an imagined scenario.
It’s been a very difficult week. My fiancée’s aunt is in a hospice with cancer, which is very upsetting. Work has been stressful due to being pulled onto a project that had every chance of failing to meet its deadline. Add to this a road trip to Suffolk with insufficient resources, a dent in my car’s bonnet from a random passing vandal, and basically, this week can fuck right off.
I have had so little time for myself that the entirety of life seems to be getting on top of me. And last night, when I tried to take time for myself, I felt guilty for abandoning my fiancée and couldn’t sleep.
I’m tired. I’m frustrated. But I don’t want to break. If I seek anonymity to vent, I am not being authentic with the people I love.
Life is hard.