We numb ourselves to the things we fear, and what we fear is most often emotional pain. Due to recent life experiences I have had to face up to my fears. It took help, and courage, and an openness to stop numbing the sensation and really try to feel the emotion. I didn’t really understand how to do this for myself. If I was feeling that sensation of inner emptiness, I would try and fill it, in the past with chocolate and rum, and more lately, with reassurance and affection.
And it works, for a time, but it’s not the whole story. Fear makes us irrational, and left unchecked can cause us to act against our own better nature for the sake of self-preservation. It’s instinctive, built into us by our nature.
And I acted against my own better nature. Which I truly regret.
My friend helped me to explore some aspects my fear. The first step was not pushing it away; then focussing on it, and what would happen if the feeling were never to go away. So I examined it, I let it grow, and I let it overwhelm me.
It was excruciating. I experienced a child-like longing for comfort and connection. I cried, wailed, and lost all conscious thought. I had reached inside and (for want of a less pop-culture terminology) allowed my inner child to express himself.
So what’s next for me? Trying to understand that unfulfilled need within me, allowing myself to explore all my fears; being kind to those parts of myself which are vulnerable; and seeking to find the completeness and wholeness which has been missing since before I can even remember.
